you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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