just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
