Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize