I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
