Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
