Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
