i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
