they need to just BURY HIM!
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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