I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
