Do you still have your period?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
