So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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