hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
