If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
