We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
