Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
