WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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