yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize