She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
How does it feel to date your dad?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
