I'm so fucking centered right now
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
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