If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
