The maid of honor just puked.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
