woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
