i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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