I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
time to smoke my breakfast
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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