i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
