I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
