awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
