I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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