Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
