I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize