Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
