I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
