dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
