I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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