You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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