I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
