if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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