I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
