You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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