Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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