Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize