Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
