it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
