i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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