I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
