no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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