Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Randomize
