So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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