So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
