I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
