I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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