Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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