I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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