worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
