Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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