I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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