i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
