i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
