just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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