So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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