Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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