when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
